So for a while I've been keeping a digital journal on my thoughts & philosophy. I want to upload some of the less personal parts here!
All cut parts will be marked with a "[...]".
This journal is not ordered chronologically! However, all updates to my journal after this post will be made as separate posts.
All posts are typed as they were in my notes. :-]
On Meaning
5.8.25 1:51 PM
It may sound somewhat antithetical to the idea of meaning as a whole, but I’ve found that all things are, to me, equally as meaningful. So one thing holds any more or less meaning than another philosophically. Yes, personally I carry my values, laden upon my back. But, meaning is not just what carries meaning to me, but to all. There is value to be found in all that exists, from a dying leaf on the forest’s floor to the pursuit of world peace. Just as we may recognize the value of such grand goals, we must also recognize that the leaf’s rotting is what feeds the soil.
In my own pursuits, I have found both satiation and hollowness. Pursuit itself defines no meaning. I may pursue what is wholly meaningless, both to myself and to others, or I may pursue what carries meaning (In terms of personal meaning). My own pursuits are the same. They hold value to me, and thus hold meaning—yet like all else they too shall slowly erode with time.
I must note, too, that I believe meaning not to be a “real” concept. It only exists so that we may compare. Meaning only exists because we believe that a lack of it may exist—just like we may with the light and the dark, or joy and hatred. Such concepts only exist because they must exist in opposition to their alternative.
In whole, the discussion of “meaning” is of the same nature. To some it holds meaning—as an avenue of growth and meaning. Yet, such actions only hold meaning because we decide to give them such. If one does not hold meaning in such values, no meaning exists to be gained. Thus, such conversations also remain both meaningful and meaningless.
Meaning is just as a sandcastle upon a beach. With time, our castles too shall be washed away by the tide. But, our memories of such remain. The castle was ultimately meaningless, yet meaningful. Despite the weathering of time, all exists located in the same nucleus of meaning.
TL;DR: All is of the same meaning/lessness/fullness.
On Growth
6.27.24 1:06 AM
Suffering is necessary for growth. When we suffer we grow. However, we cannot exist solely within it. When it stagnates so do we, & we cannot progress. We just lose ourselves. We need times of joy to both process & appreciate. When we suffer we look to our joy & strive for that. When we are joyful we look to our suffering for appreciation. Joy allows us to process. In times of peace we can understand how we have changed. In times of pain we must adapt. This dichotomy is what keeps us moving. If it stagnates, so do we. Then we grow restless, & then we either propel ourselves into the other phase, or we grow numb.
Stagnation kills your mind prematurely (?)
Regardless, I like to think of this quote from Fear & Hunger. I think it’s a good analogy.
“Mankind had seen its share of stagnation and suffering up to that point. To rise from those perilous pits, growing pains were necessary. Progress comes at a price. Fear motivated people while hunger kept them moving forward. People cherished hardship and drew inspiration from it. The learned from it.”
- Fear & Hunger 2: Termina (Skin Bible - God of Fear and Hunger)
I came upon Fear & Hunger far after developing this point, but I think it’s a good comparison, y’know?
On Legacy
5.21.24 10:45 PM (Edited on 6.27.24)
“There's one outlook on life that I’ve gathered—about your legacy.
I’ve observed that most of the time, everything is a choice. And a lot of the time, each choice can lead to infinite events. Like, what mug you chose to have your morning tea in—it could change nothing, or it could make the world end tomorrow. And every choice seems to—in a way—affect the world around you. Every little compliment, every joke you make with your friends, has & will change them forever. (As does the same to you.) And this change will go on to cause more change, rippling throughout time. So, even if my name isn’t remembered—my actions will still persist. My name may be long gone, but my actions are still echoed in the change I brought about.
It’s like how our genes are from everybody before us, we don’t know all of their names or faces… but they are us. And we are also everybody else, the whole world, in what we choose to do.”
6.27.24 1:01 AM
I was talking to my Mom about how I say she’s a lot like my sister. Then she brought up how we’re alike, how we have the same face shape, the same build, & the same smile. Sometimes I think about my grandparents, or even those far, far before then. I wonder about all those who looked like me. How did they live? Did they think like me? I know that my great-great grandparents (?) were twins with red hair. I think about that a lot. I don’t plan to have kids. I don’t have any intention of ever doing so. So, to a degree I’m the end of the line. But also, there’s beauty in that. The ultimate culmination of an impossibly long history. I am everyone before me, & I am the final manifestation of that. I am born from the love of so many before me.
I am afraid.
2.11.25 9:50 PM
I’ve been listening to “Sleep Patterns” by Merchant Ships a lot recently. Mostly because it makes me think of Tielo—but it’s also just a good song. I was standing in the shower, when I thought about the last lyric,
“I am afraid”.
[...]
You don’t realize just how close you are until it’s already February.
I know what I want to do[...]. I know what I want, & yet it still terrifies me. By no means is this fear bad—yet it persists. I find myself bound to it despite my resolution.
I am afraid. Very much so. I am scared [...] that all of this change will come on too fast.
I am afraid. I don’t know what’s to come.
But that is life.
And so, I must continue.
I love you all.
Arcane Quotes & Personal Meaning
1.6.25 12:07 AM
“There is no prize to perfection. Only an end to pursuit. In all timelines; in all possibilities; only you can show me this."
"You've always wanted to cure what you thought were weaknesses. Your leg. Your disease. But you were never broken, Viktor. There is beauty in imperfections. They made you who you are. An inseperable piece of everything I admired about you.”
I deal with a lot of perfectionistic tendencies. On top of OCD (which has the same vibe to me), I can hold such a hatred for my imperfections sometimes. Why can't I just "tough it out" like everybody else? Why can't I force myself to eat anything besides a couple things? Why can't I just go to a loud environment & deal? Why aren't I the smartest? The most creative? Why am I not better than I already am? Why can't I be perfect?
I always hold myself to an impossible standard. I feel so defeated whenever I don't the absolute best. I can only see myself for what I'm not versus what I am, & I want to eliminate that "weakness". I want to kill the side of the coin that defines the other.
With this line, I realized something. I can chase this idea all I want. I can always try to the best. I can try to "get rid of" my autism. I can try to ignore my ADHD. I can try to "delete" my OCD. I can try to the smartest. The strongest. The best. But what do I get from it? I can try to minimize it, sure. I shouldn't not work on improving myself. But I got so lost in the idea of "improvement" that I forgot to see how far I've come, or to see some things as just parts of me. Sure, my autism & ADHD make my life harder, but they've also shaped my worldview & are just a part of me! Yes, it's important to work on my OCD, but I also have to understand that it doesn't make me lesser--it's just an obstacle. Sure, people may be smarter than me, but goddamn am I smart, too! Sure, I might not be physically strong, but that doesn't mean I'm weak in all ways. Sure, somebody might always be better than me at something, but that doesn't mean my skill is for nothing.
And the second part. It reminds me of the people I love most in life. The ones who I know I am inextricably bound to. They will always support me, they will always be there for me, I cannot exist without as they cannot without me. They are a part of me, the shape of my heart has grown around them, they are what my love looks like. They are the people who help me see this in myself. God, my flaws can make my life hard. It sucks! But, they are me. And despite them, those I hold close love me. They care for me despite my mistakes, despite my failures. They carry me through hardships. They show me that while being flawed is hard, it is what makes me human. Like two sides of the same coin--love & hate--my flaws are what define my strengths, & my strengths determine my flaws. Life wouldn't carry meaning without death, & vice versa, so does the same not apply to me? What is the point of living if not to know both pain & joy?
Life & Death; Love & Hate
12.16.24 1:55 AM
Life & death are both two sides of the same coin. Life is defined by death. Life only exists because it is finite, because it can end. If one cannot die, then one cannot be alive.
Love & hate are the same way. We cannot truly love without hate, for we love in the face of hatred. We love because we know that it cannot be total. We love because it is how we face hate, pain, anguish. We love because despite the suffering in the world, we can still look forwards. We love so that the world can be better. So that we can be stronger, together.
We are just as capable of bad as we are of good. It is our responsibility to choose one over the other. We do not always act perfectly, nor could we ever. Just as we are alive, we are capable of hatred, however much we wish to live. Rather, we must make it our purpose to strive for goodness. To give, to love, to spread joy, & to be happy. We must strive for this knowing that not all others will, & that while hate may surround us, it is not total. Just as good is not.
In the balance of the world, & of life; we must remember that coins only have sides because that alternative exists. We could never live if we could never die. We could never love if we could never hate. We could never learn if we couldn’t be ignorant.
You must strive to live, to learn, & to love despite the rest. We exist to define ourselves, & it is our responsibility to define ourselves. While responsibility is born alongside us, purpose is made by us. Only you can determine your purpose. Only you can determine what side of the coin you wish to chase. But the coin will flip, & you must be able to see beyond your sight to understand yourself.
Despite however badly we may wish, nothing can be total. This is what must drive us forwards.
I like what Viktor says at the end of Arcane S2 E6. Made me want to write this philosophy down.
"Humanity, our very essence, is inescapable. Our emotions, rage, compassion, hate. Two sides of the same coin, intractably bound. That which inspires us to our greatest good is also the cause of our greatest evil.”
He says a bit more than this, but I don’t want to write it all down. I need to sleep. But good god do I love this quote.